And if you learn to begin, it will all keep coming...

I heard back from our secretary, and apparently, she got the runaround from West Lafayette about the submission of my Plan of Study. She sent it in May, ‘Too early.’ She sent it in August/September, ‘Too late.’ Poor woman can’t win. It’s cool. This affords me more time to study, meet with each of my committee members on a regular basis to discuss the nuances of the exam, and most importantly, SLEEP!!!! YES!!

I thought about what it meant to get my master’s degree after technically 4 years, as opposed to the 2 that it should have taken. Considering my coursework, it really amounts to 2 1/2 years… I thought about timetables, and stress and how long it’s taken me, and how I should ‘be done by now,’ and how I felt like this degree meant that my life could officially ‘BEGIN.’

And that’s just not really the case. My life has continued along with this journey, and this degree is just a piece of the puzzle. Not the whole picture. There’s a lot of breathing room in that realization.

It’s just the hoops I’ve had to jump through to get to the point when I can say that I’m officially DONE. And it’s all been worth it. The student loans, the thesis project attempt, the change in committee members, the extra classes, all of it.

It doesn’t hold me back from finding a good job. I can always travel back to take the exam if that’s the position I’m in. I got this. I just have a little more time to prove it.

So, in the end, I will take comprehensive exams in March, and truly, really, actually graduate on May 16th, 2010.

You know what? My life is pretty damn good right now.

I've used my passport overseas. 
I can support myself, even though I'm poor right now. 
I have amazing true friends. 
I have a great relationship with my wonderful, crazy family. 
I'm three months away from a graduate degree. 
I'm not afraid of change. 
I love to learn new things, be it how to dance, cook a meal or replace a car part. 
I'm kinda smart and creative. 
I'm pretty spontaneous. 
I value things for their history. I have a hard time justifying having things for the sake of newness. 
I don't have to be constantly entertained. I'm a simple girl, really. 
I find myself smiling and laughing a lot, for presumably no discernible reason.

Sure. I have my days when I want to stab myself in the eyeball, but for the most part... I'm cool. No worries.

I just wish I knew.

I tell myself that I will meet the right guy at the right time. Three have come close, and I was wrong about all of them.

Instinctively, I know that a great relationship, that 'true love' fairy tale does exist. I hope it does. In the meantime, I have to have my own shit together. This degree, a career, and my own stability is the basis for that. From there, I know that it will fall into place. I have to believe that. I can't rely on some guy to be the answer in and of himself.

And I have to let my memories of the others go. None of these relationships worked out for clear reasons -

different outlooks on life, lack of communication, and mismatched levels of interest. Why the hell would I want to waste my time pining for any of them? That's so pathetic.

Yeah. It'd be nice to have someone to hang out with a regular basis, and eventually develop a history with him. I hoped each one of these dudes had been The One at one point, but I called it wrong. I overestimated. I got swept up in the fantasy. It's that simple. 


It's painful to realize that the thought of me is nowhere on their minds, but once I get that through my own head, I imagine how liberating that is.

'He's just not into you.'

End of story.

Now, that leaves open the possibilty for the one who is. Right?

Logically, I get that. But is there something I'm supposed to be doing to speed up the process?

If so, what? Shit. I've done the online dating thing, and that didn't pan out for more than a couple of months.

I'm not much of a barfly, and the idea of being 'set up' kind of freaks me out.

I know a lot of it has to do with this area, but if I could make close friends here, why haven't I a lasting relationship, too? It seems that it would just follow, eh?

But what am I doing wrong? Where is he? And why does it frustrate me so much that we've not found each other yet? I shoudn't bother with this to begin with. I'm fine on my own. I guess that's the point. I'd like to be 'fine' with someone else around.

While I was in college, the whole prospect of dating seemed a little more organic at least. Now, my days are a little more regimented - work, home, study (or not), and if I'm lucky, I see friends, go to shows, hang out, but I'm missing the part where I'm 'putting myself out there,' while not looking like a desperate fool doing so. I don't try to 'sell' myself by wearing a ton of make-up or showing off cleavage. It's not that I'm that modest, but I just find that to be so stupid and overcompensatory. No one deserves false advertising.

I've held on to too much regret for making decisions - dating someone and then breaking it off, questioning my own worth when I'm dumped, and then vowing to be "all good in the meantime." I've felt bad when things didn't work out, and more significantly, when I fight to the finish to stay in a relationship. I second-guess my doubts, until I simply have to step away. On the flip side, when I've been dumped, it was so unceremoniously, like, 'Yeah. I'm done. Peace out.' They move on immediately, and I cry and pick up the pieces of what I have to accept was 'just not the right fit.'

I guess I just wish those two experiences were a little more evened out. I wish I could've walked away as indifferently as they had. I swear to God, I wish I didn't give such a shit.

Is that my lot? Am I doomed to feel too much for the wrong dude? How do you train yourself to finally let that go, so that when the right person DOES come along (preferably sooner than later), that you recognize it, welcome it, protect it, and continue it?

What's the trick? Seriously? Because I'm starting to feel like the old rules no longer apply.

I hate when I do this to myself.

I need to learn to let things go that are completely out of my control.

I wish some things could be vastly different than what they are, but there must be a reason why, right? Right.

Lesson learned.

You know? If I'm made to be a punching bag, lied about, spied upon, disparaged, and treated like a fool, I can only handle so much. Too many boundaries have been crossed. Too many lies have been spread. Accountability was nonexistent. 'Brutal honesty' was another name for fucking cruelty. Tact was never observed. Judgment was consistently passed. And now, an unwritten rule has been broken.

Who the hell do you think you are?

Peace the fuck out.

And I don't mean the Travis song.

Manic

She breathes in

She breathes out
She wakes up
and lays down
She can hardly speak
and so she screams

I won't give again
because she takes so often

Nothing I say will wash it away
I'm standing in the pouring rain
You say it won't happen again
You're manic, manic
There is a chemical in your brain
It's pouring sunshine and rage
You can never know what to expect
You're manic, manic

She loves you
and hates you
You break down
She feels good
She will bleed from insecurity

When will she heal from this
I love her still

She's got everything you want
She's every little thing you're not, yeah

~ Plumb

Really? C'mon.

I'm happy. Don't ruin this for me, ok? Thanks.

You know? I thought I was over this shit.

When you have a father who is self-centered, selfish, emotionally unavailable, and always trying to pull a fast one, it kind of fucks with your sense of self-identity.

Damn it. Seriously.

I'm not like that am I? Anyone? Bueller?

Moreover, I hate that my intention of being a happy singleton only lasts for so long, and then I get all sad and lonely. It's fucking pathetic, really.

I know that these are related. I just wish I was cooler about both.

A much simpler "checklist" for any potential 'Dude I Hang Out With A Lot'

You're not still married, right?
Or, you're not really, really recently divorced?
Are you not on meds for a severe mental condition?
Are you employed/laid off?
Do you like to dance?
Do you not have visible earwax?

Oh, bloody hell...

I hate when you come across something as good and tasty and healthy as this stuff:

... And you spy that the expiration date is almost two weeks old. Fail, Jewel. FAIL. I'm going to DeRosa's instead. Viva las Ma & Pop importers! (Plus, they carry the vanilla flavor. BONUS!)

Off to buy a fresh bottle tomorrow.

Good thing I scored a $1 off coupon. I'm stealthy like that.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I honestly have no idea what I'm doing. I'm simply winging it at this point, and just hoping for the best.

You can't choose your relatives, but you can choose to be less of a judgmental asshat

I went to Nebraska for my cousin’s wedding this weekend, and despite the insanity with my grandparents – between my grandma’s advanced dementia and somehow all of us forgetting her ID, and my stubborn grandpa falling every other hour because the man refuses to use his damn cane – I developed a little better of an appreciation for my family.

I’m the first-born cousin, and I’ve always been too old to hang w/ the kids and too young to hang with the adults. This time, however, I actually got to spend quality time w/ my mom, her brothers and my aunts. We talked about my mom and uncle's childhoods. We shot the breeze at the hotel bar, dissecting our innate lapsed Irish-Catholic guilt, laughed our asses off, had a few drinks, and I felt closer to them than I have in years.

It was great. I came home exhausted, but inspired to continue to do great things with my life.

My cousin married at 21, literally right out of college, and she’s bound to make a 6 figure salary, and have the happy marriage, the house, the kids, and the dog, and I couldn’t be more proud of her. She worked hard to get where she is, and deserves happiness on her terms. Not to mention, she and her new husband are the cliché couple that is made for each other. Seriously. They're adorable together.

I never believed that the typical path was going to be mine, but I’m discovering every day that I’m cool with that.

I’m bound for a teaching career, traveling, and hopefully, someday, a relationship that sticks, because of the right reasons, instead of obligation. I’m learning to lessen my grip of the time line. I’m going to be 30 this year, and it hit me, that I’m really still just a kid. My life is still right in front of me, and I can afford to just fucking chill out about things once in a while.

Things happen as they are meant to. I just have to do what I’m happiest doing, and let everything else fall right into place.

I just want to start over.

Somewhere new. Near a coastline. Alone. Where no one knows me. An opportunity to start fresh.

Plan of action

1. Get car fixed - struts, bearings, tune-up, new tires

2. Start swimming lessons

3. Start going to the Zen Center

4. Start volunteering w/ ESL program, Habitat for Humanity, and Juan Diego Center

5. Pay off braces

6. Get braces off

7. Pay off credit cards

8. Take exams

9. Graduate

10. Apply for TFA

11. If accepted, move to site

12. If not, substitute teach, tutor

13. Apply for adjunct position

14. Apply for ESL opportunity overseas

15. Consider Colorado opportunity

Aim high

Peace Corps is a bust. They don't accept anyone who has a genetic predisposition to depression. Thanks, Dad... and Grandpa. Damn. Eh. I get it though. It's a liability issue. They can't afford to have a ticking time bomb out there in the desert, on the side of a mountain, or in the middle of a mudslide.  

It's one thing to have a sudden breakdown out of utter isolation and bleakness, when you're watching little kids in your village die by the tens daily. Add to that the fact that you may be an hour or three away from another volunteer? Yeah. That's a nightmare. Now, compound that with already being prone to panic attacks and depressive episodes, no matter how long ago they may had been? Christ. Props to those who can handle it, but I know my limitations. I'd freak out in the first 6 months. They don't need that.

Teach for America, however, as stressful as I expect it to be, is definitely more suited to what I want to get out of this experience - and not malaria or a potential suicide watch. 

For five years now (God... that long? Man, I have been wasting time), my conscious main goal in life has been to become the best teacher I can possibly be - in a high school and someday, at the collegiate level. I firmly believe that shown the tools and discovering the confidence within them, that students can learn, and if they truly want to, armed with knowledge, experience, and confidence, they can transform the world. 

God. That makes me sound like Oprah. Oh, well. Homegirl did open a school. Anyway...

I’m going to step up my volunteering (there is a community center in my area that offers ESL) and get my degree in December. The latest application deadline is in February.

I can do this.

I have a decent GPA at 3.85
My academic background is in English, Education and Cultural Studies.
I’m a feminist – I believe in equality for all. Period.
I’m a political and social activist.
I’m rooted in the working class.
I’ve already worked with students on the lower socioeconomical rung, and loved it.
I am on the lower socioeconomic rung and understand its implications and challenges it presents in the dialogue on quality of education.
I’m interested in utilizing pop culture in the classroom.
I’m interested in people’s stories and what they teach us.
I want to be a part of the solution rather than sit back and whine about the problem.

That’s why I want to do this.

Defining song of the moment

My house, my role
My friends, my man
My devotion to god
All the more feels indefinite

Nothing's been clear
Nothing's been in
Nothing's felt true
And I've never had both feet in
Nothing's belonged
Nothing's been yes
Nowhere's been home
And I'm ready to be limbo no more

My taste, my peers
My identity, my affiliation
All the more feels indefinite

Nothing's been clear
Nothing's been in
Nothing's felt true
And I've never had both feet in
Nothing's belonged
Nothing's been yes
Nowhere's been home
And I'm ready to be limbo no more

I sit with filled frames
And my books and my dogs at my feet
My friends by my side
My past in a heap
Thrown out most of my things
Only kept what I need to carve
Something consistent and notably me

Tattoo on my skin
My teacher's in heart
My house is a home
Something at last I can feel a part of
Sense of myself
My purpose is clear
My roots in the ground
Something at last I can feel a part of
Something aligned
To finally commit
Somewhere I belong
Cuz I'm ready to be limbo no more
My wisdom applied
A firm foundation
A vow to myself
'Cuz I'm ready to be limbo no more

~ Alanis Morissette

On the hamster wheel?

A friend of mine recommended "A New Earth" a little over a year ago.  

I started reading it last night. I think it may provide some insight into how to be a better human being. I don't think that's what I am right now. Trust me.  

I have these moments when I think that I'm sooo tortured and owed something. And these thoughts manifest themselves into very ugly ways. 

I can be a real bitch sometimes, really snarky and cruel. Not often, which is why it must sting when it happens.  

Growing up, I had a "smart mouth."  

Now, I realize there's a huge difference between being witty and clever and just... well, being an asshole.  

I don't know why I'm so fucking bitter all the time, but I don't like it. It's depressing, and drives people away. I'm the kind of person who likes her solitude, but I'm prone to loneliness if it goes on too long.  

I need to break this, before I end up completely isolated and stuck.

I wonder...

when I’m finally going to get past my issues over my father. He’s just absent, kind of always has been. I hate this. But not him. I know I should, but it’s pointless. Part of me just wishes he’d been (or be) a real father. But what does that matter now? I’m too old for this.

Most of the guys I’ve dated have been either clingy as hell, or so distant and indifferent, that I’d wonder if we were even in a relationship at all. Two of my relationships felt, after a while, like they were just one-sided.

It hit me today. I think the reason that I had a hard time getting over the ex-boy, (despite the fact that we didn’t even date for very long. Jesus. Big deal.) is that he turned on a damn dime, reneged on everything he’d said and did beforehand, and suddenly bailed out of nowhere.

Yet, I’ll still get random one or two-sentence messages from him on IM. What the hell is that about?

Yep. He exhibited that same dodgy behavior that my dad did (and still does.)

I really don’t want to seek out guys who play that stupid hard-to-get bullshit. I don’t like to play it myself, so I simply… don’t. But what if it’s all subconscious, seeking out someone who is clearly on path to abandon me? 

Short of giving up on whole deal and entering a convent, how do I arm myself against that?

Elevated

It begins with me.

I know how ridiculously new-agey that makes me sound, but it’s true.

I have to let go of past hurts, my stupid abandonment issues, and this lame Catholic guilt. (Ugh. I especially don’t need that, man.)

I want to be that confident chick who doesn’t take anything seriously or personally. I’ve BEEN that chick. Where the hell did that go? I’ve got to stop regretting so much.

Things happen for a reason. People come in your life, and sometimes they leave. That’s just how it rolls. It doesn’t make you a failure. It’s just human interaction and sometimes, incompatibility. Period.

But when I fall, I fall hard, dude. I can’t regret that. Go big or go home, right? 
On one hand, I should keep my guard up, keep my distance, and avoid the inevitability of getting my heart broken. On the other hand, I can’t live my life in constant crisis mode. I can’t be afraid of something great, just because someone else effed it up before.

Moreover, I can’t sabotage my own happiness by clinging to my fears or my own negativity. Yeah, so my childhood was kind of dysfunctional. Whose wasn’t? Christ, enough already. 

I don’t want this anymore. I’m not nine years old anymore. It’s over. I’m better for it, but it’s done. It’s nothing more than valuable lesson, that I don’t need to keep shoving into someone else’s face. Rather, it’s something that stays with me as a reminder to be understanding, patient, caring and loving. Flip that script and make it a positive attribute. Yep. I’m gonna go with that from now on.

Onward.

Well, that sounds about right.

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I'm a

Self-Improving Reinventing Extrovert

Eh.

I'm so over it.

The karma ran over the dogma

I know that I'm lucky to have a job, as so many people around here are facing layoffs, furloughs, and forced early retirements. I've tried being zen about it, by not letting my job define me.

"You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You are not your fucking khakis."

Yeah. I know.

And it doesn't. In fact, I have an active frustration with this job. I'm torn between being a part of a "ministry" that provides people with information and guidance, and being a part of the same old grind, the hypocrisy and the self-righteousness. I think I lost my faith in it a long time ago. I wouldn't necessarily call myself an atheist, as I think there's something to this bigger picture, but I'm really not buying the God that ticks off our sins on a long, long list. 

I'm just not sure if I buy "God" at all sometimes. If there was only one right "God" and one right way to believe in him, wouldn't he have made us all believers in utero? Oh yeah. There's that free will thing. But then again, if we don't believe in the supposed "right way," we are subject to a life of guilt and constant repentance, until we are saved and then we're suddenly on God's good side.

I guess.  

I haven't been to church in over three years. I've never felt all that comfortable with it to begin with. The buildings themselves are beautiful, and the statues and rituals leave me awestruck. But it's really more of an aesthetic appreciation, kind of like mini art museums. I do believe that Jesus existed, but in the historical sense. I believe the Bible is a collection of cautionary tales written by human beings at various points in time, in hopes (or intent) to guide people to do the "right" thing. But they don't always do. This is where common sense comes in. Don't kill. Love your neighbor. Don't judge. Pretty simple stuff, I think. But people don't always do the right thing. And worse yet, they use that same "faith" as an excuse to commit horrible acts - Terrorism. War. Gaybashing. Moving to a gated community. Et cetera.

 

Yes, there are countless people (some are even close friends of mine) who seem to strike a balance between being rational human beings and taking leaps of faith, praying and praising him. The same goes for my friends who are avowed atheists. They get it. They're not sinners. They love unconditionally. They live good lives and are good people, regardless of how an institution dictates how that goodness should develop. Besides. Any compassionate God doesn't shame. 

The pope... that's a whole different issue. The man (let's stress that distinction) was a Hitler Youth as a kid, and now he's in Israel preaching against anti-Semitism. On one hand, good for him for getting beyond the indoctrination of the worst kind... On the other hand, what led him to it in the first place? Not to mention... There's a saying in the parochial school system that if you "get 'em before seven, you've got 'em for life." 

Obviously that doesn't always hold true, but this dude doesn't strike me as the rebellious type. Perhaps his faith in God and his religion is a form of life-long atonement for those early-held beliefs that I'm sure were drilled into his head. Perhaps he was just following orders... just as he's giving them now. 

But part of me still harbors resentment for a guy who can go from such an extreme to another. Much like the skepticism many have of inmates who find salvation in prison. But what leads someone to make that willful choice to do what's right? Is it all really a matter of fearing God? Or is there something innately better in the first place that we just need to keep searching for until we find it? 

Take off

Welcome, kids.

So, here's the good, the bad, and the ugly. I've passed up exits along the way, and kept on going. Maybe I'll rediscover where I'm headed, regardless of where I've been. Maybe I'll see the signs that will guide me to where I should be.  

Here's to launching the paper airplane.

Protect me from what I want

I hear, all the time, two different perspectives:

1. It will happen when you least expect it.
2. It has to be a priority.

I’m willing to bet on the former, but understand the importance of the latter.

I know what I’m looking/hoping for:
- He effing knows what he wants – he wants to fall in love, develop a healthy relationship with someone, and someday (and I’m talking YEARS down the road, not next week), have a family.
- He’s not dictated by social convention. He doesn’t figure, “Well, I’m not sure about this, but it’s what I’m ‘supposed’ to do.” 
- He has his shit together – a career (or at least a job he enjoys,) his own place, a good relationship with his family, an education, goals, loves learning new things, etc.
- He has a sense of humor, doesn’t take himself too seriously, and is unafraid to laugh. Loud.
- He’s open-minded, easy-going and doesn’t rush to judgment.
- His idea of a good time ISN’T going out and getting trashed at a bar.
- He’s taller than me. (Hey, I’m just sayin.’)
- He loves rollercoasters.
- He loves to travel and expand his horizons.
- He has friendships over a decade old.
- He can talk. About anything.
- He’s honest and ethical.
- He cares about the world around him.
- He likes animals.
- He has good taste in music and movies. He’s got an appreciation for all things nerdy, but doesn’t live in his parents’ basement.
- He doesn’t harbor any anger or resentment toward any of his exes.
- He genuinely likes me for me. He wants the foundation of a good friendship as much as I do.
- He’s genuinely interested in me, and doesn’t play the “You’re like my sister” card.
- He’s realistic enough be practical, but idealistic enough to dream big.
- He doesn’t have hangups about religion, politics or sex. He’s spiritually open, but rational.
- He can cook.
- He has a life of his own, and respects that I do, too.
- He knows the difference between wanting and needing someone.

This seems like a lot, but fuck it. Why not? I don’t want someone settling for me. Why would I settle either?

Maybe by indicating what it is that I want in a partner, I’ve handed this off into the universe… and fate will take care of the rest.

The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

I have this bad habit of getting painfully nostalgic over things that no longer have a such a presence in my life, if at all.

Just little things crop up now and again. I kind of want to forget about the last 4 months, and particularly, those two weeks. It's done, it's over. There's no going back. And I don't want to anyway. Nope. Things are abundantly clear that this wasn't going to work in the first place. 

But why did I subconsciously seek that out?? I thought that I was over my stupid absentee-daddy issues. I thought that I demanded more of myself and of someone else to stick around... and to let a lot of my baggage go... and in that regard, I failed. 

Why? It's simple, really. I'm terrified that I'll latch on to someone who remotely shows interest, fall way too fucking hard, and then pick up the scraps until they slink away and bail completely. 

Just like when I was a kid awaiting my dad's semi-annual phone call, and facing his subsequent "forgetting" to pick me up. 

My dad and I have a relatively healthier relationship now. He recognizes he was a fuck-up, and sort of apologized back in December. But I still don't hear from him for weeks at a time... The adult in me asks, "So effing what?" The nine-year old in me still asks, "Why don't you love me?" 

And I RECOGNIZED this. I told myself that my dad's inability to be a goddamn father was in no way a reflection of me. These were his issues. Not mine. This translated much into the idea that I want someone in my life. I don't need them. 

I was completely up front about it. I never had anything to hide, and at first, it seemed as though the dude was completely on board. I was cautious. I was careful. I maintained my cool, and was wise about things. 

But once the gate swung open, I was down for the count. Shit. I didn't expect that one. 

I don't want this anymore. I don't want to be that girl who never lets it go. I want a life that's full, and someone who wants to be a part of that. 

I'm doing my own thing. An awesome guy out there thinks I'm fucking amazing. I'm patient. Whoever he is, he'll show up eventually. 

In the meantime? There is no meantime. My life is great. Now.

I could keep torturing myself...

... or I could just stop.

I'm affording this way too much of my time and head space. Seriously. Ridiculous.

I guess once I thought that things were going well, I really wanted the "real thing" - the fairy tale come to life - so badly that I fell for what merely resembled it.

I did absolutely nothing wrong.

He simply wasn't good enough for me. It's really that simple. And I am better than this.

Eventually, the right person will come along, and not even conceive of pulling that shit.

I need to get over my fear that that may never happen.

I need to remember to protect what's sacred.
I need to do what's right, awesome, and amazing for me - and not someone else.
I need to chill out and be patient.
I need to finally accept how fucking cool I am.

I don't need this.