The karma ran over the dogma

I know that I'm lucky to have a job, as so many people around here are facing layoffs, furloughs, and forced early retirements. I've tried being zen about it, by not letting my job define me.

"You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You are not your fucking khakis."

Yeah. I know.

And it doesn't. In fact, I have an active frustration with this job. I'm torn between being a part of a "ministry" that provides people with information and guidance, and being a part of the same old grind, the hypocrisy and the self-righteousness. I think I lost my faith in it a long time ago. I wouldn't necessarily call myself an atheist, as I think there's something to this bigger picture, but I'm really not buying the God that ticks off our sins on a long, long list. 

I'm just not sure if I buy "God" at all sometimes. If there was only one right "God" and one right way to believe in him, wouldn't he have made us all believers in utero? Oh yeah. There's that free will thing. But then again, if we don't believe in the supposed "right way," we are subject to a life of guilt and constant repentance, until we are saved and then we're suddenly on God's good side.

I guess.  

I haven't been to church in over three years. I've never felt all that comfortable with it to begin with. The buildings themselves are beautiful, and the statues and rituals leave me awestruck. But it's really more of an aesthetic appreciation, kind of like mini art museums. I do believe that Jesus existed, but in the historical sense. I believe the Bible is a collection of cautionary tales written by human beings at various points in time, in hopes (or intent) to guide people to do the "right" thing. But they don't always do. This is where common sense comes in. Don't kill. Love your neighbor. Don't judge. Pretty simple stuff, I think. But people don't always do the right thing. And worse yet, they use that same "faith" as an excuse to commit horrible acts - Terrorism. War. Gaybashing. Moving to a gated community. Et cetera.

 

Yes, there are countless people (some are even close friends of mine) who seem to strike a balance between being rational human beings and taking leaps of faith, praying and praising him. The same goes for my friends who are avowed atheists. They get it. They're not sinners. They love unconditionally. They live good lives and are good people, regardless of how an institution dictates how that goodness should develop. Besides. Any compassionate God doesn't shame. 

The pope... that's a whole different issue. The man (let's stress that distinction) was a Hitler Youth as a kid, and now he's in Israel preaching against anti-Semitism. On one hand, good for him for getting beyond the indoctrination of the worst kind... On the other hand, what led him to it in the first place? Not to mention... There's a saying in the parochial school system that if you "get 'em before seven, you've got 'em for life." 

Obviously that doesn't always hold true, but this dude doesn't strike me as the rebellious type. Perhaps his faith in God and his religion is a form of life-long atonement for those early-held beliefs that I'm sure were drilled into his head. Perhaps he was just following orders... just as he's giving them now. 

But part of me still harbors resentment for a guy who can go from such an extreme to another. Much like the skepticism many have of inmates who find salvation in prison. But what leads someone to make that willful choice to do what's right? Is it all really a matter of fearing God? Or is there something innately better in the first place that we just need to keep searching for until we find it?