I wonder...

when I’m finally going to get past my issues over my father. He’s just absent, kind of always has been. I hate this. But not him. I know I should, but it’s pointless. Part of me just wishes he’d been (or be) a real father. But what does that matter now? I’m too old for this.

Most of the guys I’ve dated have been either clingy as hell, or so distant and indifferent, that I’d wonder if we were even in a relationship at all. Two of my relationships felt, after a while, like they were just one-sided.

It hit me today. I think the reason that I had a hard time getting over the ex-boy, (despite the fact that we didn’t even date for very long. Jesus. Big deal.) is that he turned on a damn dime, reneged on everything he’d said and did beforehand, and suddenly bailed out of nowhere.

Yet, I’ll still get random one or two-sentence messages from him on IM. What the hell is that about?

Yep. He exhibited that same dodgy behavior that my dad did (and still does.)

I really don’t want to seek out guys who play that stupid hard-to-get bullshit. I don’t like to play it myself, so I simply… don’t. But what if it’s all subconscious, seeking out someone who is clearly on path to abandon me? 

Short of giving up on whole deal and entering a convent, how do I arm myself against that?

Elevated

It begins with me.

I know how ridiculously new-agey that makes me sound, but it’s true.

I have to let go of past hurts, my stupid abandonment issues, and this lame Catholic guilt. (Ugh. I especially don’t need that, man.)

I want to be that confident chick who doesn’t take anything seriously or personally. I’ve BEEN that chick. Where the hell did that go? I’ve got to stop regretting so much.

Things happen for a reason. People come in your life, and sometimes they leave. That’s just how it rolls. It doesn’t make you a failure. It’s just human interaction and sometimes, incompatibility. Period.

But when I fall, I fall hard, dude. I can’t regret that. Go big or go home, right? 
On one hand, I should keep my guard up, keep my distance, and avoid the inevitability of getting my heart broken. On the other hand, I can’t live my life in constant crisis mode. I can’t be afraid of something great, just because someone else effed it up before.

Moreover, I can’t sabotage my own happiness by clinging to my fears or my own negativity. Yeah, so my childhood was kind of dysfunctional. Whose wasn’t? Christ, enough already. 

I don’t want this anymore. I’m not nine years old anymore. It’s over. I’m better for it, but it’s done. It’s nothing more than valuable lesson, that I don’t need to keep shoving into someone else’s face. Rather, it’s something that stays with me as a reminder to be understanding, patient, caring and loving. Flip that script and make it a positive attribute. Yep. I’m gonna go with that from now on.

Onward.

Well, that sounds about right.

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I'm a

Self-Improving Reinventing Extrovert

Eh.

I'm so over it.

The karma ran over the dogma

I know that I'm lucky to have a job, as so many people around here are facing layoffs, furloughs, and forced early retirements. I've tried being zen about it, by not letting my job define me.

"You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You are not your fucking khakis."

Yeah. I know.

And it doesn't. In fact, I have an active frustration with this job. I'm torn between being a part of a "ministry" that provides people with information and guidance, and being a part of the same old grind, the hypocrisy and the self-righteousness. I think I lost my faith in it a long time ago. I wouldn't necessarily call myself an atheist, as I think there's something to this bigger picture, but I'm really not buying the God that ticks off our sins on a long, long list. 

I'm just not sure if I buy "God" at all sometimes. If there was only one right "God" and one right way to believe in him, wouldn't he have made us all believers in utero? Oh yeah. There's that free will thing. But then again, if we don't believe in the supposed "right way," we are subject to a life of guilt and constant repentance, until we are saved and then we're suddenly on God's good side.

I guess.  

I haven't been to church in over three years. I've never felt all that comfortable with it to begin with. The buildings themselves are beautiful, and the statues and rituals leave me awestruck. But it's really more of an aesthetic appreciation, kind of like mini art museums. I do believe that Jesus existed, but in the historical sense. I believe the Bible is a collection of cautionary tales written by human beings at various points in time, in hopes (or intent) to guide people to do the "right" thing. But they don't always do. This is where common sense comes in. Don't kill. Love your neighbor. Don't judge. Pretty simple stuff, I think. But people don't always do the right thing. And worse yet, they use that same "faith" as an excuse to commit horrible acts - Terrorism. War. Gaybashing. Moving to a gated community. Et cetera.

 

Yes, there are countless people (some are even close friends of mine) who seem to strike a balance between being rational human beings and taking leaps of faith, praying and praising him. The same goes for my friends who are avowed atheists. They get it. They're not sinners. They love unconditionally. They live good lives and are good people, regardless of how an institution dictates how that goodness should develop. Besides. Any compassionate God doesn't shame. 

The pope... that's a whole different issue. The man (let's stress that distinction) was a Hitler Youth as a kid, and now he's in Israel preaching against anti-Semitism. On one hand, good for him for getting beyond the indoctrination of the worst kind... On the other hand, what led him to it in the first place? Not to mention... There's a saying in the parochial school system that if you "get 'em before seven, you've got 'em for life." 

Obviously that doesn't always hold true, but this dude doesn't strike me as the rebellious type. Perhaps his faith in God and his religion is a form of life-long atonement for those early-held beliefs that I'm sure were drilled into his head. Perhaps he was just following orders... just as he's giving them now. 

But part of me still harbors resentment for a guy who can go from such an extreme to another. Much like the skepticism many have of inmates who find salvation in prison. But what leads someone to make that willful choice to do what's right? Is it all really a matter of fearing God? Or is there something innately better in the first place that we just need to keep searching for until we find it? 

Take off

Welcome, kids.

So, here's the good, the bad, and the ugly. I've passed up exits along the way, and kept on going. Maybe I'll rediscover where I'm headed, regardless of where I've been. Maybe I'll see the signs that will guide me to where I should be.  

Here's to launching the paper airplane.

Protect me from what I want

I hear, all the time, two different perspectives:

1. It will happen when you least expect it.
2. It has to be a priority.

I’m willing to bet on the former, but understand the importance of the latter.

I know what I’m looking/hoping for:
- He effing knows what he wants – he wants to fall in love, develop a healthy relationship with someone, and someday (and I’m talking YEARS down the road, not next week), have a family.
- He’s not dictated by social convention. He doesn’t figure, “Well, I’m not sure about this, but it’s what I’m ‘supposed’ to do.” 
- He has his shit together – a career (or at least a job he enjoys,) his own place, a good relationship with his family, an education, goals, loves learning new things, etc.
- He has a sense of humor, doesn’t take himself too seriously, and is unafraid to laugh. Loud.
- He’s open-minded, easy-going and doesn’t rush to judgment.
- His idea of a good time ISN’T going out and getting trashed at a bar.
- He’s taller than me. (Hey, I’m just sayin.’)
- He loves rollercoasters.
- He loves to travel and expand his horizons.
- He has friendships over a decade old.
- He can talk. About anything.
- He’s honest and ethical.
- He cares about the world around him.
- He likes animals.
- He has good taste in music and movies. He’s got an appreciation for all things nerdy, but doesn’t live in his parents’ basement.
- He doesn’t harbor any anger or resentment toward any of his exes.
- He genuinely likes me for me. He wants the foundation of a good friendship as much as I do.
- He’s genuinely interested in me, and doesn’t play the “You’re like my sister” card.
- He’s realistic enough be practical, but idealistic enough to dream big.
- He doesn’t have hangups about religion, politics or sex. He’s spiritually open, but rational.
- He can cook.
- He has a life of his own, and respects that I do, too.
- He knows the difference between wanting and needing someone.

This seems like a lot, but fuck it. Why not? I don’t want someone settling for me. Why would I settle either?

Maybe by indicating what it is that I want in a partner, I’ve handed this off into the universe… and fate will take care of the rest.

The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

I have this bad habit of getting painfully nostalgic over things that no longer have a such a presence in my life, if at all.

Just little things crop up now and again. I kind of want to forget about the last 4 months, and particularly, those two weeks. It's done, it's over. There's no going back. And I don't want to anyway. Nope. Things are abundantly clear that this wasn't going to work in the first place. 

But why did I subconsciously seek that out?? I thought that I was over my stupid absentee-daddy issues. I thought that I demanded more of myself and of someone else to stick around... and to let a lot of my baggage go... and in that regard, I failed. 

Why? It's simple, really. I'm terrified that I'll latch on to someone who remotely shows interest, fall way too fucking hard, and then pick up the scraps until they slink away and bail completely. 

Just like when I was a kid awaiting my dad's semi-annual phone call, and facing his subsequent "forgetting" to pick me up. 

My dad and I have a relatively healthier relationship now. He recognizes he was a fuck-up, and sort of apologized back in December. But I still don't hear from him for weeks at a time... The adult in me asks, "So effing what?" The nine-year old in me still asks, "Why don't you love me?" 

And I RECOGNIZED this. I told myself that my dad's inability to be a goddamn father was in no way a reflection of me. These were his issues. Not mine. This translated much into the idea that I want someone in my life. I don't need them. 

I was completely up front about it. I never had anything to hide, and at first, it seemed as though the dude was completely on board. I was cautious. I was careful. I maintained my cool, and was wise about things. 

But once the gate swung open, I was down for the count. Shit. I didn't expect that one. 

I don't want this anymore. I don't want to be that girl who never lets it go. I want a life that's full, and someone who wants to be a part of that. 

I'm doing my own thing. An awesome guy out there thinks I'm fucking amazing. I'm patient. Whoever he is, he'll show up eventually. 

In the meantime? There is no meantime. My life is great. Now.