Oh, who am I kidding?

I honestly have no idea what I'm doing. I'm simply winging it at this point, and just hoping for the best.

You can't choose your relatives, but you can choose to be less of a judgmental asshat

I went to Nebraska for my cousin’s wedding this weekend, and despite the insanity with my grandparents – between my grandma’s advanced dementia and somehow all of us forgetting her ID, and my stubborn grandpa falling every other hour because the man refuses to use his damn cane – I developed a little better of an appreciation for my family.

I’m the first-born cousin, and I’ve always been too old to hang w/ the kids and too young to hang with the adults. This time, however, I actually got to spend quality time w/ my mom, her brothers and my aunts. We talked about my mom and uncle's childhoods. We shot the breeze at the hotel bar, dissecting our innate lapsed Irish-Catholic guilt, laughed our asses off, had a few drinks, and I felt closer to them than I have in years.

It was great. I came home exhausted, but inspired to continue to do great things with my life.

My cousin married at 21, literally right out of college, and she’s bound to make a 6 figure salary, and have the happy marriage, the house, the kids, and the dog, and I couldn’t be more proud of her. She worked hard to get where she is, and deserves happiness on her terms. Not to mention, she and her new husband are the cliché couple that is made for each other. Seriously. They're adorable together.

I never believed that the typical path was going to be mine, but I’m discovering every day that I’m cool with that.

I’m bound for a teaching career, traveling, and hopefully, someday, a relationship that sticks, because of the right reasons, instead of obligation. I’m learning to lessen my grip of the time line. I’m going to be 30 this year, and it hit me, that I’m really still just a kid. My life is still right in front of me, and I can afford to just fucking chill out about things once in a while.

Things happen as they are meant to. I just have to do what I’m happiest doing, and let everything else fall right into place.

I just want to start over.

Somewhere new. Near a coastline. Alone. Where no one knows me. An opportunity to start fresh.

Plan of action

1. Get car fixed - struts, bearings, tune-up, new tires

2. Start swimming lessons

3. Start going to the Zen Center

4. Start volunteering w/ ESL program, Habitat for Humanity, and Juan Diego Center

5. Pay off braces

6. Get braces off

7. Pay off credit cards

8. Take exams

9. Graduate

10. Apply for TFA

11. If accepted, move to site

12. If not, substitute teach, tutor

13. Apply for adjunct position

14. Apply for ESL opportunity overseas

15. Consider Colorado opportunity

Aim high

Peace Corps is a bust. They don't accept anyone who has a genetic predisposition to depression. Thanks, Dad... and Grandpa. Damn. Eh. I get it though. It's a liability issue. They can't afford to have a ticking time bomb out there in the desert, on the side of a mountain, or in the middle of a mudslide.  

It's one thing to have a sudden breakdown out of utter isolation and bleakness, when you're watching little kids in your village die by the tens daily. Add to that the fact that you may be an hour or three away from another volunteer? Yeah. That's a nightmare. Now, compound that with already being prone to panic attacks and depressive episodes, no matter how long ago they may had been? Christ. Props to those who can handle it, but I know my limitations. I'd freak out in the first 6 months. They don't need that.

Teach for America, however, as stressful as I expect it to be, is definitely more suited to what I want to get out of this experience - and not malaria or a potential suicide watch. 

For five years now (God... that long? Man, I have been wasting time), my conscious main goal in life has been to become the best teacher I can possibly be - in a high school and someday, at the collegiate level. I firmly believe that shown the tools and discovering the confidence within them, that students can learn, and if they truly want to, armed with knowledge, experience, and confidence, they can transform the world. 

God. That makes me sound like Oprah. Oh, well. Homegirl did open a school. Anyway...

I’m going to step up my volunteering (there is a community center in my area that offers ESL) and get my degree in December. The latest application deadline is in February.

I can do this.

I have a decent GPA at 3.85
My academic background is in English, Education and Cultural Studies.
I’m a feminist – I believe in equality for all. Period.
I’m a political and social activist.
I’m rooted in the working class.
I’ve already worked with students on the lower socioeconomical rung, and loved it.
I am on the lower socioeconomic rung and understand its implications and challenges it presents in the dialogue on quality of education.
I’m interested in utilizing pop culture in the classroom.
I’m interested in people’s stories and what they teach us.
I want to be a part of the solution rather than sit back and whine about the problem.

That’s why I want to do this.

Defining song of the moment

My house, my role
My friends, my man
My devotion to god
All the more feels indefinite

Nothing's been clear
Nothing's been in
Nothing's felt true
And I've never had both feet in
Nothing's belonged
Nothing's been yes
Nowhere's been home
And I'm ready to be limbo no more

My taste, my peers
My identity, my affiliation
All the more feels indefinite

Nothing's been clear
Nothing's been in
Nothing's felt true
And I've never had both feet in
Nothing's belonged
Nothing's been yes
Nowhere's been home
And I'm ready to be limbo no more

I sit with filled frames
And my books and my dogs at my feet
My friends by my side
My past in a heap
Thrown out most of my things
Only kept what I need to carve
Something consistent and notably me

Tattoo on my skin
My teacher's in heart
My house is a home
Something at last I can feel a part of
Sense of myself
My purpose is clear
My roots in the ground
Something at last I can feel a part of
Something aligned
To finally commit
Somewhere I belong
Cuz I'm ready to be limbo no more
My wisdom applied
A firm foundation
A vow to myself
'Cuz I'm ready to be limbo no more

~ Alanis Morissette

On the hamster wheel?

A friend of mine recommended "A New Earth" a little over a year ago.  

I started reading it last night. I think it may provide some insight into how to be a better human being. I don't think that's what I am right now. Trust me.  

I have these moments when I think that I'm sooo tortured and owed something. And these thoughts manifest themselves into very ugly ways. 

I can be a real bitch sometimes, really snarky and cruel. Not often, which is why it must sting when it happens.  

Growing up, I had a "smart mouth."  

Now, I realize there's a huge difference between being witty and clever and just... well, being an asshole.  

I don't know why I'm so fucking bitter all the time, but I don't like it. It's depressing, and drives people away. I'm the kind of person who likes her solitude, but I'm prone to loneliness if it goes on too long.  

I need to break this, before I end up completely isolated and stuck.