I tell myself that I will meet the right guy at the right time. Three have come close, and I was wrong about all of them.
Instinctively, I know that a great relationship, that 'true love' fairy tale does exist. I hope it does. In the meantime, I have to have my own shit together. This degree, a career, and my own stability is the basis for that. From there, I know that it will fall into place. I have to believe that. I can't rely on some guy to be the answer in and of himself.
And I have to let my memories of the others go. None of these relationships worked out for clear reasons -
different outlooks on life, lack of communication, and mismatched levels of interest. Why the hell would I want to waste my time pining for any of them? That's so pathetic.
Yeah. It'd be nice to have someone to hang out with a regular basis, and eventually develop a history with him. I hoped each one of these dudes had been The One at one point, but I called it wrong. I overestimated. I got swept up in the fantasy. It's that simple.
It's painful to realize that the thought of me is nowhere on their minds, but once I get that through my own head, I imagine how liberating that is.
'He's just not into you.'
End of story.
Now, that leaves open the possibilty for the one who is. Right?
Logically, I get that. But is there something I'm supposed to be doing to speed up the process?
If so, what? Shit. I've done the online dating thing, and that didn't pan out for more than a couple of months.
I'm not much of a barfly, and the idea of being 'set up' kind of freaks me out.
I know a lot of it has to do with this area, but if I could make close friends here, why haven't I a lasting relationship, too? It seems that it would just follow, eh?
But what am I doing wrong? Where is he? And why does it frustrate me so much that we've not found each other yet? I shoudn't bother with this to begin with. I'm fine on my own. I guess that's the point. I'd like to be 'fine' with someone else around.
While I was in college, the whole prospect of dating seemed a little more organic at least. Now, my days are a little more regimented - work, home, study (or not), and if I'm lucky, I see friends, go to shows, hang out, but I'm missing the part where I'm 'putting myself out there,' while not looking like a desperate fool doing so. I don't try to 'sell' myself by wearing a ton of make-up or showing off cleavage. It's not that I'm that modest, but I just find that to be so stupid and overcompensatory. No one deserves false advertising.
I've held on to too much regret for making decisions - dating someone and then breaking it off, questioning my own worth when I'm dumped, and then vowing to be "all good in the meantime." I've felt bad when things didn't work out, and more significantly, when I fight to the finish to stay in a relationship. I second-guess my doubts, until I simply have to step away. On the flip side, when I've been dumped, it was so unceremoniously, like, 'Yeah. I'm done. Peace out.' They move on immediately, and I cry and pick up the pieces of what I have to accept was 'just not the right fit.'
I guess I just wish those two experiences were a little more evened out. I wish I could've walked away as indifferently as they had. I swear to God, I wish I didn't give such a shit.
Is that my lot? Am I doomed to feel too much for the wrong dude? How do you train yourself to finally let that go, so that when the right person DOES come along (preferably sooner than later), that you recognize it, welcome it, protect it, and continue it?
What's the trick? Seriously? Because I'm starting to feel like the old rules no longer apply.
